Thoughts

Over the last couple of weeks, there have been many rude remarks made about my weight.  So for those of you who are not enlightened let me tell you this.  I'm a 32 year old mom who was born with a CHD.  I suffered a stroke during my heart surgery, had a son 11 months later, who for the longest time didn't even remember having.  I ended up having a hysterectomy 10 months after Kyle was born, and having sternal wires removed in 09.  Then I will tag in Bentley, who the first round was put in wrong and fried my heart.  Second round, I'm dependent on my pacemaker.  I'm currently in Stage B CHF (Congestive Heart Failure) and have tagged on between 60-80 lbs due to medications that I need to be on to help my heart.  All of this happened from 2005 on.  So when you look at me and think, man she could stand to loose some weight, remember, on the outside, I look normal and probably fluffy.  I am currently 223 lbs.  How is that?  I actually listed my weight.  I have never in my life been this big.  EVER.  On the inside, there is a constant stuggle just to keep living.  In my mind, and each day I wake up, I'm grateful for each day I have, each breath I take, and the chance to be a mom, wife, daughter, sister, best friend, what have you.  You aren't there when my feet swell so bad they feel like they are going to split.  You aren't there when I wake up in the middle of the night, trying to fight to breathe.  You aren't there when I look at my heart scar in the mirror and start crying because you have that realization of just how precious life is.  You aren't there when you go to bed with a funky heart rhythm questioning is this going to be the night that God says it is time to come home, or even the thought that your kid is going to try and wake you up and your gone?  I very rarely will talk to people about my life, especially on this level.  However, if you truly want to know me, ask me.  I will tell you live life to the fullest, make the most of each day you have, always tell your kids and family just how much you love them.  I can honestly say I've been dead more times than I care to admit.  I have a purpose in this life, however I'm not quite sure what it is yet, and I won't ever quit trying to figure that out.  Tonight, many requests went into my Give it to God box.  Many things going through my head.  But, the least of my concern right now is what someone thinks when they say I am fat.  Look at me, tell me, what have you done today to put a smile on someones face?  Did you help a elderly lady who dropped a bag of groceries?  Did you talk on the phone to a close friend who is on a heart transplant list waiting to get a second chance at life, or trying to console a friend who is choosing hospice at a young age?  Do you listen to parents as they tell you about their little ones and the new challenges or achievements they have made?  Do you listen to your son tell you how awesome of a mom you are?  Do you pick up your phone for family who is just checking on you or are having a hard time in their own life?  These are things that I do on a regular basis, because that is me.  I am happy being me, I am happy for what I have been through because it is those things that gave me courage, strength, and the realization that sometimes I do need help.