2013 Change Coming On!!!!!!

"You can't heal a life of pain overnight.  Be patient with yourself.  It takes as long as it takes to rebuild yourself." -Unknown


People say that sometimes things need to fall before you can rebuild.  Sometimes it is you as a person.  Your whole being gets completely wrapped up and the next thing you know, you are at the bottom, looking up, and not really sure where to turn.  The feelings of anger, frustration, being scared, hurting, crying all begin to overwhelm you, and at that point you need to decide, is this now when I admit I need help? 

Over the last month and a half, I have hit that bottom.  I have looked at myself, my family, and decided that I need help, and finally decided that I need to do this for me first.  When you hit that bottom, you find out who is really going to be there to help you through the hell, and who doesn't want any part of your life, and follows you only through social media.  You find which ones will call you and go, I know you've made mistakes, I know you are hurting, what can I do, and you find which ones will rather back out of your life, be pissed and leave you (which at this current time in my life I really don't need.)  I have found both.  I have friends who know what has happened, who said yup you've hit bottom, what do you want to do now?  I need help.  Ok, what can I do to help you?  It amazes me the people you thought would be there aren't. 

With all this said, 2013 will be bringing quite a few changes.  For me, my boys, our lives.  I have to find that delicate balance of it all, while trying to get through all of this.  One step at a time I'm told.  It is true, one simple little baby step is all you need.  First is the realization that you need help. 

To all of you who have offered your help through all of this, I can't tell you thank you and I love you enough.  This is me, bare bones.  Completely shattered and getting ready to put the pieces all back together. 

There is a saying that you can break down a woman temporarily, but a real woman will always pick up the pieces, rebuild herself, and come back stronger than ever. 

That is my main goal for 2013!!!!!

Mine and Kyle's Favorite Bedtime Prayer

Now the light has gone away;
Savior, listen while I pray.
Asking Thee to watch and keep
And to send me quiet sleep.

Jesus, Savior, wash away
All that has been wrong to-day;
Help me every day to be
Good and gentle, more like Thee.

Let my near and dear ones be
Always near and dear to Thee.
O bring me and all I love
To Thy happy home above.

We like this one better because he gets scared, especially with me when we do the Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep One.  So from our family to yours, our nightly prayer before bed.

Once In Awhile Life Throws Us A Curve Ball!

It has been awhile since I've had the opportunity to update, so I figured this is as good as anytime...The last couple of months have been rough.  I left TMC because when I started back, there was so much that I was unable to remember, that they weren't willing to make the necessary changes for me to work there.  I was offered a job to become a manager for the Oy Vey Cafe on the University of Arizona Campus.  This has been one of the most awesome jobs ever.  Not only because of the people I work with, but the family atmosphere of the people that work at the Hillel Foundation.  What a truly amazing group of people.  Asher, who owns the 5th Street Deli, also owns the Oy Vey Cafe and the Cafe at the J.  He is a great person to work with.  There is a lot to learn from him, and I still feel as if I am just touching the tip of the iceberg. 

I've also started getting back into photography a lot more, and truly enjoy capturing "that moment".  I don't know what it is....Sometimes it is a look, a smile, a glance, or just a simple body position that is only for a second, and when you get it, you've captured something so real.  I had the opportunity to photograph the Go Red for Women Luncheon and the Birdies and Butterflies Gala with one of my best friends Sherri.  Both amazing events. 

Then near the end of August, I started having seizures.  We had no clue what was causing them, where they were coming from, how to control them etc.  We were truly freaking out everyday, because we really didn't know when they would hit.  I ended up in the hospital, and we found out that my seizures are caused by me not knowing how to deal with stress.  Most people get mad, angry, argue, etc, my body puts all that negative energy into really severe seizures.  Now some people have said, oh your just crazy.  When you look at it statistically, 64% of people who undergo epilepsy studies don't have epilepsy, they have the condition I have.  So now, not only do I have to worry about what happens with my heart rate and blood pressure, I get to worry about getting mad. 

With this, I have backed off of working with lots of non-profits that I loved to, and am trying to take time for myself at this point.  I've gone long enough burning my candles at both ends, and now I'm paying for it.  The main focus right now for me is the Tucson Festival of Hearts.  I'm not sure how to voice my thoughts.  I can't wait for next year, however, it seems that I am doing something wrong.  I'm not sure.  I've done huge fundraising events, I'm good at it, and yet, I feel as if I'm waiting for a foot to fall or something.  I'm not sure why.  I pray that God gives me insight into this, because at the bottom of it all, it is me and Vanessa wanting to bring organizations together for the Tucson community and help people.  We want to help those who might not be able to get the information or don't know how to get the information anywhere else, and we have support from larger organizations to do this.  I've been praying about this. 

So as for now, life is an amazing journey.  One step at a time, and touch one heart at a time.  We as humans have that ability to brighten someones day no matter how small the act of kindness....Always smile, offer a kind word, help someone out....Little everyday things can truly change one life at a time.

Be Not the One to Judge

I saw a young girl doing this in a grocery store, and the lady that she judged.....This is something that I wanted to share.  Sometimes, even the best of us are guilty of judging others. 

You are in grocery store. Harried, stressed and exhausted. There is a woman in front of you, youngish- 40's maybe. She is walking exactly where you want to be, where you deserve to be. She is not walking fast enough. Not moving fast enough. You clear your throat loudly. Hoping she takes the hint. You want to yell "Move it or lose it sister!" at the top of your lungs. She moves ahead a bit and slowly reaches for an item on the shelf. You feel your heart start to race, blood pressure go up. The urge to tap her with your carriage is overwhelming. You have to get home, you have dinner to make. You have laundry that needs to be finished. You have things to do. Clearing your throat didn't move her fast enough. You sigh. Loudly. She glances at you and smiles. A warm smile. She grabs her shopping cart and walks forward. Still not fast enough for you, but she is out of your way. You grab what you need and you are off. Zipping past her, dirty glance in her direction. The nerve. Some people. World revolves around them. As you reach the end of your shopping, you glance over and see that she has only made it another 4 aisles. You think she is lazy, checking prices because she is poor. You check out and you leave. Not giving her another thought. Places to go, things to do. You are normally a patient person. But seriously, if she lost some weight, got a better job or whatever her reason for being so slow, so in your way, she would have gone faster.

In the time span of a quick stop at the grocery store, you glanced at a woman briefly. You didn't actually see her. You didn't get a sense of her. All you saw was what you projected onto her. Lazy, slow, fat, poor. You tried and convicted her in the space of a minute. You felt better about yourself without even realizing it. Then you were gone.
What you didn't see. What you would have seen had you taken a moment. Only a moment and actually looked at her. Was pain. Not in any outward signs, but in her face. In her walk. The way she maneuvered her shopping cart, getting the item and getting out of your way. You didn't see her. But she sure as hell saw you. She smiled at you. Knowing full well your anger at her. She smiled. Until you walked past. Then the hurt set in.

There are 50 million Americans, one in five, that suffer from an autoimmune disease. 26.2% of Americans, one in four, suffer from mental illness. 7.8% or 5.2 million Americans will suffer or suffer from PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder). All of these show no outward symptoms. Nothing you would see at a quick glance. But each one is like an albatross hanging around the neck of the person who suffers from it. That woman in the grocery store was trying. Trying to be independent. Trying to live through the pain. Each step she took sent shock waves through her. But she was determined. Determined not to let her disease stop her from living. She did it. She did her own shopping. This is a natural thoughtless act for most, for her it was an act of sheer strength and determination. But one that no one sees.

Every day you walk past people and automatically judge them. It is a human trait. You see what you want to see, what you are conditioned to see and you judge. Probably not even realizing you are doing it at the time. Everyone is so busy. So caught up in their own little world that we fail to see what is often right in front of us. We judge. We sigh loudly at the slow shopper. We tell the overweight person to exercise more, not understanding it is their medication that makes them that way. We tell the man that can't work, can't function to get over his depression. Just be happy already. People just don't get it. They don't see it and when they do actually see it, they turn their heads and are thankful it isn't them. They judge in order to distance themselves from it.

These people that suffer from diseases you can't see are so impressive to me. They work, they get up everyday knowing what is in store for them. They do it any way. They strive for independence and they try so hard not to let the world see just how hard it is. They lean on those close to them and try not to feel the guilt that it causes. They take medications that make them sick, but are up every morning with their kids. They try. By sheer force of will they make a life for themselves. They are strong, they are tough and they understand that when their disease puts limitations on them, it's time to find a way to work around it. They do it everyday. For some people getting up and out of bed is a victory . Grocery shopping is a cause for celebration. Going fishing and spending time alone for the first time in years, life changing.

I was talking to a friend last week. She suffers from an autoimmune disease. She gets out as much as she can, and does what she can, however sometimes, those days are far and few between.  Moving might limit her, or just being able to get dressed.  She was in constant pain but she did not let it stop her. She faced her disease and found ways to work around it. Her happiness and her strength was palpable. Without even realizing it she was inspiring. We all have limitations. We all have something that stands in our way at times. We get frustrated, we cry and yell "Why me?". When what we should be doing is taking a page from my friend's book and say instead, "What can I do different to get where I need to be?"

Don't just look. See. If you spend to much time making judgments and not seeing people for who they really are, it is you who will lose out. Finding inspiration in people you meet on a daily basis makes life so much more interesting. Everyone you come across in life is fighting some kind of battle. Maybe, just maybe, they can shed some light on yours.

Don't just look. See.

How to Know God

We all ask the questions, how do I get to know God, how do I become closer to Him.....Getting to know God takes a lifetime. But the journey is wonderful. How to go about it? By knocking, asking, and seeking. They are ways to get to know God. How do we then knock, ask, and seek?
The important thing to know is that we all do fail in our pursuit of God once in awhile. But the secret is persistence. When we consistently keep on knocking (entering into the presence of God), seeking (cultivating a relationship with God), and asking for help in our daily lives, we are getting to know God in the process.
“Ask, and you will receive. Search, and you will find. Knock, and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks, receives. Whoever seeks, finds. And to everyone who knocks, the door is opened.“(Matthew 7: 7-8, CEB)
One of the most exciting things in life is learning to do ordinary things for God. When we become Christians, we don’t suddenly stop making dinners for our families. But now we can serve God while we prepare the meals. It does take some practice to get that mind set that we are doing everything for God. But when we really get into serving God while we go about our everyday routines, we start seeing God’s presence in our lives in a very special way.

This is seeking God’s will for our lives. This is getting to know God in the midst of our everyday lives. This is to cultivate a relationship with God.
When we pray as we work, we keep on getting to know God. When we ask for God’s help, we are less likely to worry about the matters in hand. When we ask for direction as we read the Bible, God will reveal his wisdom for us. When we ask God to show how we need to live out the Bible text we are reading, God will respond. This is asking for God’s help for our lives. This is getting to know God as we pray, study his Word, live our lives. This is to interact with God.
How about knocking then. I think knocking is the entering into God’s presence. It’s the crucial moment when we decide whether we seek God or somebody else. God will open the door, when we knock. This is also a way of getting to know God. Because of Jesus we are welcome into God’s presence anytime we knock. As C.S. Lewis has said “God is not proud…He will have us even though we have shown that we prefer everything else to Him.” So let’s keep on knocking on the right door. God wants to be found. God wants to be known. Thanks be to God!

Gracious God,
Thank you for always being there.
Thank you for drawing us to you again and again.
Give us persistence to keep on knocking, asking, seeking You.
Enable us to get to really know you.
We love you and we adore you.
Be praised forever and ever.
In Jesus’ name,
Amen

Reality and how it likes to show us our true strength

So as things were going, I started my therapies, 2x a week with occupational, physical and speech therapy.  Upon reading my discharge papers, I found that the doctors had in fact diagnosed me with complex migraines with a tia.  No wonder there are resdiuals!!!!!  I can't move my hands, I've slipped in the bathtub once...I'm sure I looked like the lady who went "Help I've fallen and can't get up!".  That is the joke in this house, unfortunately Kyle was sleeping and Kevin had left for work.  My speech therapist is working with me on my long speech issues and swallow.  We are noticing when I'm eating it takes two to three swallows to get something down.  With PT, well my left side sucks.  My hamstring is week and because of the ankle being damaged so many times, thank you to all the falls, we are having to rebuild my whole leg and arm.  Now on to occupational therapy.  This didn't really hit me till yesterday when the therapist was asking questions about how things are done in the house.  She asked, do you cook, I said not really, my husband does it.  She said do you do laundry, I said no, Kevin usually does that.  How about cleaning?  Kevin.  You would think that this would have hit me sooner and yet it hasn't.  Kevin has been running our house for almost 7 years without any real help from me.  I talked with him last night and told him for the first time it actually connected.  I didn't realize all he did.  In my brain Kevin is always stressed and usually being a pain.  But until that therapy session yesterday, Kevin has been running our house.  It is crazy when you have those realizations.  Me and Kevin are working on what is upcoming with my therapy sessions in hopes that we can work through all this together.  I can't imagine doing this without him.  Also, I have earned an appt with a CHD cardiothoracic surgeon on the 27th of this month.  We will see how this appt pans out.  There is a lot of questions that I have.  Dr. Teodori is one of the best in the country.  So we will see what he has to say.  I will probably post again later tonight.....but this is my thoughts for right now:

 

I think that too often, we are left wondering why we're left standing alone during a trial. In reality, we need to look right in front of us and realize that we HAVE the blessings we need to make it through a difficult time. Are we too stubborn to recognize them? Are we too blind to accept that they are our blessings? Perhaps the blessings come in a way that we weren't expecting and we let them pass us by without acknowledgment.

Yes, life is challenging. Life is HARD. Life is exhausting. But, look around you and realize that there is SO much to be grateful for. It can all be taken away from you in a split second, so why not live for today ... enjoy this very moment ... recognize the good around you ... be grateful for what you have, regardless of whether is easy or hard ... and thank God for the life he has given you.

Life is short, why not make the best of it.

Be grateful.

Be happy.

Recognize your blessings.

Wow, what a week

Things to remember each day!!!!!!

So you would think that a simple week would come and go with no issues.  Nope, not in this house buddy.  Last Saturday night me and Kevin were taking Kyle to the Valley of the Moon to see the Dark Crystal (one of our favorite movies).  Before we left, I told Kevin that I had a splitting headache, and took some aspirin not even thinking about it.  Got home after an uneventful night, was having some chest pain, and decided, take my meds, go to bed.....Let me just say this, if you wake up in a foggy like state, it is no fun.  Sunday I was so tired and everything was just slow motion it seemed.  Kevin went to lay down and sleep before work.  At 5 when Kevin woke up, he woke up to see my left side of my face drooped....Couldn't life my arm to save me, and my left leg was more in a dragging like state.  I called my friend Erica to come over and take a look at me and see how I was doing.  Most of the time I would fight a trip in the awesome ambulance, but I didn't, I knew something was really off, and just didn't want to acknowledge that.  So here I am in the back of the ambulance, I'm sure looking like I was drooling like hell on myself, and made it to the ER.  Now let me just say, when the ER is busy, your lucky to be seen in 3 hours.  I was seen, evaluated, CT'ed etc, and they told Kevin that it looked like I stroked or had a TIA.  They admitted me for a stroke.  The next morning when the neuro doc came in to take a look, I just barely had movement in my face, still having issues with my arm and leg, and making fun of myself.  I was then told that since both CT's were clear, that they were pretty sure that I had something called a complex migraine.  Apparently these little beasties mimic strokes!!!!  As if that isn't bad enough, whatever hit me exacerbated my stoke issues, and so I'm starting from the ground up.  Speech therapy, occupational therapy and physical therapy.  YAY ME!!!!  Tuesday I was discharged and am currently trying to rest before I go back to work.  My heart sister Joanie had a sucessful surgery, and is doing really good.  I prayed like you wouldn't believe.  She has grandbabies to watch grow up.  On the up and up, past that, I'm trying to just be good.  I'm making it one day at a time, and have turned over all of this to God.  So much of this I have no control over, and God will put me where he needs me at the time I need to be there.  So, here are a couple pictures to help you recognize the signs and symptoms of a stroke: